Excuse me, your pants never zip.

http://u.mediacorptv.com/story.aspx?Editorial_ID=593&SubCategoryID=20

My friends were all going crazy over Channel U’s small flower small grass competition, ok Belle and Beau competition. Apparently, ugly girls and not-so-handsome guys got into nomination. It makes me wonder if they’re really the best of the school’s got to offer then come any day, I can be Tom Cruise. Or maybe a hybrid between David Beckham, Michael Jackson, Russell Crowe and Britney Spears. I saw the nominees and I can conclude that Channel U is short of actors who can act like Ah Bengs and extras because most of the nominated -

1. (Guys) have highlighted streaks of hair running down the fringe, and begging to be cut.

2. Fat looking people who pretend to sleep while taking pictures (take a look at NP Male, you will get what I mean).

3. Some girls who look weird such that, as Jiahong mentioned, you feel stabbing a pen into your eye is less painful.

But some are really pretty and handsome.. don’t say I everytime kaopeh people only.

It’s not that I wanna say, but if these people can get into nomination, how about my friend Mr Chew, the perfect Beau material.

He has,

A cool 1980s simple hairstyle, giving him the ‘not-too-complicated’ look.

A pair of Harry Potter replica spectacles from Toys ‘R’ Us giving him the aura of mystery.

A 800 megawatt smile which will charm any girl into submission.

A pair of fake nipples so fake that it looks so real.

A turtle shell on his belly (serves as a 6-pec).

Hairy legs – to ward off the evil hair spirit.

Now where do I get this guy nominated.

Sggirls.com always comes up with posted pictures of real beauties or those pretenders. Pretenders who act chio I don’t mind, as long as they don’t bother me. Though sometimes I print out their photos and use them as dartboards, they are pretty harmless. Their act cute poses could make your stomach churn, but that is all.

So today I found a picture which cried out for attention. Not some wannabe pretender again, but a new breed of girls which needed some research and evaluation.

“WE ARE SPASTIC.”

Well we know thank you very much. After some extensive research and effort we found out that this breed of girls suffer from abnormal cheek muscles. They become swollen whenever a picture is about to be taken. Another trademark of these girls is to pout whenever a picture is about to be taken. These girls were also found out to be extremely dependent on something called ‘camwhorer’.

Camwhorer is something similar to a normal camera except that the camera is frequently used to take self shots, group self shots in classic places like the female toilet and bedrooms. So anyway, we can already imagine how this picture was taken.

Most probably these girls were having a girl’s NightOut at someone’s house. I wish I can be invisible and sneak into the house, some sort like HollowMan. And the dresscode is swimwear. Armed with a camwhorer, they decided to take self group shots and they expressed their characteristics (puffy cheeks, pouts, etc). Viola! The picture was uploaded to someone’s Friendster.

If any one you spastic girls happen to stumble upon our site, don’t blame us. Blame that spastic person who edited the photo and put ‘We are spastic’.

By the way, my guess is the girl in the middle who did it. Spastic.

I thought this was funny.

“Padicure” – A cure for rice grains suffering from AIDS, syphillis or just simply stress.

Well I can imagine rice farmers patronising the shop (It’s a salon by the way dumbass), bring a few stalks of wheat..

Farmer: Eh hello, my rice sick.

Padicurer: Oh, lemme see. Hmm… your stalks got red spots on the wheat private part.. I’m afraid sir, your wheat is going to die. Got AIDS.

Farmer: (Sobs) So how many years does these wheat have left?

Padicurer: I’m afraid sir, they’re going to die tomorrow. Oh sir, have you got any sexual contact with the wheat?

Farmer: Ermmm, I think.. actually.. Ok.. no.. I’m serious.. nono..

..

..

..

Next time, be careful. Your pedicure might be a padicure. And oh, I better go check on my house’s stock of rice…

Next: Pubbing in Batam

Continuing on the Batam exclusive..

It’s inevitable that the trip to Batam includes something called “Shopping” because of the existence of “Shopping Centres.” As much as I hate to admit, I do love shopping. Simply because I do get to know of the latest trends in the fashion world. I cannot lose out or else I’ll look like a caveman. So for example,

You know instantly you have to get these clothes in Batam in order to ’synchronise’ with the Batamians.

Note: The dummy on the right has a striking resemblance to one of our editors..

Look at their similarities, I thought I saw Jiahong posing at Batam initially, somemore they like to strike the same pose. After much observation of the dummy I realised the lookalike at Batam wasn’t Jiahong. He’s not that a nudist than Jiahong..

Next: Rice Cure in Batam

The following articles of ‘Batam Stories’ are brought to you exclusively by our Batam correspondent of E.M.Y.P.N.Z.

Proudly sponsored by: Botak Raju

The editor would like to take note that no murtabak were wasted during the catering for this special scoop article.

I looked out of my hotel room, and I saw this. I thought my eyes were playing on me, because the previous night I dreamt of some girl in night gown chasing after me. But after rubbing my eyes for the umpteen time, I can really confirm this: My hotel view is great!

My roommates were all eagerly anticipating what this lady would be doing next, and I thought maybe, just maybe she might be cutting her toenails after bathing. Don’t ask me why. I assume she had just bathed. But to my disappointment, the lady went out of sight. I tried whatever angles from my hotel room window to get a glimpse of her but what I got was seeing naked men in the neighbouring buildings smoking and gesturing to each other. I assume they were learning sign language. Because since nowadays people only like to SMS, I guess the next evolution of communication is sign language.

Anyway, to your disappointment, I did not find that lady but later on, I saw a bunch of ladies walking around the balcony, not naked but fully dressed. Most probably getting ready for work. If you get what I mean. So from this incident I can make the following conclusion,

it’s always important to look out of your window once in a while.

And oooh, I can see my neighbour next block doing..

Next: Shopping in Batam